funky twist of fate

i thought this
blogging thing is over but i guess it's not.
Whirlwind situation and I def’nitly agree...i’ve stolen and literally destroyed
this kid’s heart few years back and now I’m here tryin’ to get it right.

I’m fine actually but suddenly this brooding activity is
resurfacing without any warning signs...

Perhaps one day this
kid will realize that people from the past (I’m talking about “me”) is always
going to be here no matter how this kid refuses to forget it. Even I may never understand this but this is
something that I should be able to live with...consequences. I
confess that I occasionally feel like I’m dying every time I’m shaken by
reality that this kid is actually happy with someone now. Did I miss out on you? Yes...

This is my breather!

I guess, it’s always
been you (big words?!) but I honestly think it’s only ever going to be
you. Not like am never gonna find anyone
else kinda thing (^_^), maybe I’ll never find anyone as humorous, witty, intres’ting,
intelligent & perfectly annoying you.
And you know what’s funny? I am sitting here trying to re-create things
in my mind. I remember this kid and all
those late nights, those early morning sappy calls, maling and pandesal combo breakfast
meal, staying in bed all day, Gatorade, the chair tale and every thinkable mem’ries
we’ve had. I remember falling in love
with you, I remember pushing you away, I remember that day when you said
goodbye and left, I remember tears hitting the floor and I remember
when you said that you’re with someone.

i’m open, familiar,
broken and every single adjective in between.
This kid is my ticking self-destruct time bomb in good and bad way as I
may say...’got this innate talent to destruct, love and forgive me at the same
time. Every day I ask how can I still
get close and not get hurt? I dunno...

Thanks for the 5
years of fuckin’ beautiful! Go out and
enjoy every single day...show them and R what I was privileged enough to
see. After nov 20...or maybe one of
these days...just turn around and you'll see me...waiting. This is not a chase. Love you, kid! I do.

Labor Day!

It’s US holiday! It’s a celebration for all hard workers out there but today I did not try to keep up with any of my pending social activities so decided to bum around and do things I usually enjoy…

Here’s my wellness toolbox this long week end.

P Listened to old school compilation of alternative and rock albums. Found couple of songs that might interest you…they’re kinda old & evocative.

Float On – Modest Mouse 8Debonaire – The Afghan Whigs8Hang me up dry – Cold War Kids8Death – White Lies8Sugarhigh – Coyote Shivers8Love is not a competition (but I’m winning) – Kaiser Chiefs8Crazy Life – Toad the wet sprocket8I am a scientist – Guided by Voices8Nice Overalls – Lustre8All the same – Sick Puppies8Stood up – A fine and Frenzy8Something to believe in - Aqualung8After Hours – We are Scientist8Stuck for the Summer – Two Hours Traffic8Hunger Strike – Temple of the Dog8Circles – Soul Coughing8Incinerate – Sonic Youth8Fall out – Sofie Bonde8Katy Song – Red House Painters8Spoonman – Sound Garden8The Things Are – David Duritz & Fiona Apple8Novacaine for the Soul – Eels8Fade into you – Mazzy Star

P Read a good book. I like old books because they are nicely packed. Not done with this yet…

P Took a long & nice cold bath. Refreshing!

P Aimed 12 hours of sleep then went ahead and completed my movie marathon. Random thoughts? -à I was legitimately nostalgic about this movie…

"Meet me at the MONTAUK"

How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.

Alexander Pope “Eloisa to Abelard”

P Took care few small tasks that should’ve been completed years ago…ouch! But I should be blemish free in 3 weeks time…Hope it gets better!

It was a long and relaxing week end and I am enjoying every minute of it. Cheerio!

Riddle

It’s been awhile I know…kinda busy or just trying to get myself busy on something…just trying to run away on somethin’ undeniable…I hope everything will turn out well…cliché as it may sound but I know that everything happens for a reason. It’s a secret that I would never in my entire existence would tell…

Well actually, I’m doing a big favor for an old friend. I’ve been busy reading an unpublished book written by a friend of my mine. A proof reader…that’s my new job…=) Hope I won’t spoil any of this when it gets published…haha!

It’s was Saturday afternoon and I wasn’t supposed to be here…I graduated almost 7 years but I don’t even know why I am here…standing in front of an old tree where I graduated almost a decade ago . That tree will be ripped up in the next few days (“that’s what the foreman says") and so I started reading…

White Lies…that’s the book I was reading at that time. Here are the excerpts…

Dialogue from the core characters of the book:

Xai:
You’re trying to be someone you’re not…you’re trying to please everyone. You always try to play it right. You do what they tell you to or you just don’t know who you really are because you’ve got no past to compare it to.

A sudden overwhelming sadness washed over me…I gave what you asked for and I even actually took 5 steps ahead of you and reminded myself that there were far more important things than my unseemly request but you still turned away and headed the opposite direction but what I could remember was “that” look in your eyes…feeling certain that there was something left important…you’re just too coward to take the chances” -->This was an elaborate justification of Xai’s character in the book.

Another excerpt from one of the core character:

Bliss:
I closed my eyes as I said goodbye…I know I will lose a friend. White lies…this will be enough.

Well, my personal opinion about the book? Good read but no merit as of this time. Then, I went home while singing along with Love the way you lie by Eminem & Rihanna’!

Then, come Sunday afternoon, the book is no longer unpublished...White Lies is finally out in the open.

I broke my right arm that night...Cheerio!

random words...random thoughts

These are the words that has blurted out of my mind while waiting for my mom's check up...I was doodling on my book (the brocode) when I finally wrote random words and thoughts...I did this from 1pm to 5pm when finally my Mom's routine check up was finally over.

GENUINE

I mentioned on my earlier post that I hate attending parties specifically children's party but it was Yohan Macoto Rivera's 1st birthday. I can't believe how fast this year has gone! I absolutely love seeing him as a cute little baby but now he's turning into a toddler. While at the party, I had the oppurtunity to talk and play with my other nephews (kenji and beo) and nieces (cj and bea). I was a little emo this past few days but spending time with them makes me delighted though I have to whack out all my sweat running around with them while they're playing...Well, it's really worth the effort 'coz it was a sincere and happy laughter. I can say that they are really expert at the art of happiness 'coz they have more than one way of showing that they are happy. They are happy just dancing around so they smile and laugh, they are happy eating burger and fries so they smile and laugh, they are happy to see Lolo and Lola so they smile and laugh and they're happy to see me so they laugh and smile...That moment I stoodstill...took a picture of them and ask the older one if he can stop growing up. He just simply said, "Tata, I just can't" and I laughed again and realized that they're becoming little people.

Just a thought...if you're feeling sad my suggestion is go play and be silly with small children. They really know how to make everything fun! Cheerio!

- OVERWHELMED -

I don't remember how it started but I know it's already coming. I am, in a world accustomed to what I usually do but the thing is...why is this month so odd? For some reason, this month I'm feeling underwater. I'm not worried but I'm trying to keep myself in check. I don't want to have this thing that they call "perennial stress headache". So here are the general trends of oddity I had so far...

Odd list:

- During Fridays, I usually toss off work early to go on a happy weekend. I believe that's how to balance your work and life. I've been working for the past 6 years or so but I've never been this busy. Odd thing is, it never occurred to me that I will be in this situation where I had to literally work for 12 to 14 hours a day. I've been with my new team for about 3 weeks and it's all but "business as usual".

- I love distractions when I'm at work but this time around I get ruthless about it. I'm even eating breakfast in my table...What up?

- I love sleeping that I even have to drag myself to the office early in the morning. Odd thing is, I woke up 1 hour early last night to do my crunches.

- I used to get a sappy phone call once in awhile but this time around...it ain't there.

- I don't like birthday parties (children's party), it makes me feel so old. Odd thing is, I'm expected and excited to be there today.

- I brood a lot and I speak my mind but the odd thing is I was surprised that I will blog it..

- I don't follow anyone's advise but a little bird told me that I should eat my breakfast which I don't normally do at 4:30 in the morning but I did. Odd thing is I even cooked for myself.

- I'm a music addict but I'm annoyed listenin' to incubus' i miss you. In all honesty, I love the band but I just hate that song. Odd thing is, I listened to it again - it's like a three fold utopian dream...

Okay, that's a long list. I'm allowed to feel a bit shattered. I'm pretty much caught up now...(^__^) but I am looking forward to seeing some of my new (bago) and "OLD" (luma) friends this weekend.

Ironic distinction or so they say but I guess "I too has been taken IN by the world"...I know I can handle it but I'm implying that all my bets are off...I need a fresh pair of eyes...Cheerio!

ambiguity

Ambiguity…that’s where my life is headed right now…Ten years ago my mind had a 20/20 vision of the things that I want to have and where I want to be but the sad part is…you can’t have it all. You cannot have what you really wanted (<--past tense) even if you tried your best to get it back and you can’t be where you’d like to be (<--future tense) even if you put forth your best shot to be there. Yes, I agree…life happens and there’s no doubt how hard it may turn out to be. Well...for me atleast.

Just a thought awhile ago…Maybe, I’m barking up on a wrong tree or maybe not? See! That’s what happens during this brooding activity...That’s what I’m telling you about. I’ve lots of hesitations right now. I’m not even sure if I want to post this thing or not. (^_^) I’m not even sure if I’m making sense at all. All I wanted to say is that…life is full of uncertainties. I’m struggling to accept the concept of not knowing what will come next and what life has to offer after it has run through me over and over again.

Well, then I guess I have to try harder. One thing I can say and true enough, no matter how pessimistic other people are…I still willfully choose this life as my way of living no matter how tough this is and I perceive it as an impeccably fine choice. I’m an optimist! So, here I am back to the drawing board…

1st thing that I would do is to step outside with comfortable boundary and worth…maybe this time I’ll get it right!

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.” -Vincent Van Gough-